Words from Doug Hughes
February 2021
Written by Donna K. Musial with permission
HAPPINESS
Some call me a bit of a curmudgeon. I think curmudgeons are just happy people with grumpy faces. I am happy. So, maybe that is me. But I like to smile too. It makes me feel good. Who knows why people think like they do.
My life today is better than it was 10 years ago. 10 years ago it was better than the prior 10. I think that is because I have grown more and more comfortable with myself, happy with who I am, more mellow. It is easier to be happy, mellow and courteous than to be angry, loud and pushy. Anger takes so much energy. And really, I learned it is just easier to be happy.
My happiness is not based on how happy I make someone else. It is really based on how much I have helped. Maybe the other person isn’t happy at all. Maybe their life is hard, and they don’t know how to be happy. Maybe this is just one bad day! The car needs repair, the sink leaks and they had a disagreement. I can’t speak for someone else. I don’t know what is in their head. I don’t know their space. Most of the time, people hide their troubles so we can’t really know. I don’t judge because I just don’t always know. I try to understand, though, and be sympathetic. If I can help someone, I will. And that makes me happy. And really, I learned life is easier when you are sympathetic.
HISTORY
I was born in Canada to older parents. Mom was in her late 30’s maybe 38 or so and Dad was 43. I had 3 friends and one of them had very young parents. I was envious of this friend thinking how much cooler his 20 something parents were than my 50ish folks. As time went on, I started to see how much more my parents trusted me. How much gentler they were. How much more relaxed they were. Given time to think about it, I was glad I had older parents. They had better parenting skills. And really, I learned it is just easier to be gentle in life.
Losing my parents at 30 was very hard for me. I felt the loss deeply. I miss my Dad. Dad had a big impact on me, now that I look back. I recall one specific incident that molded my life. I was a young boy, maybe 12 or 13. That day, Dad insisted I spend 1 hour with him working on the car. I was so angry – really angry. I wanted to be out goofing around, be with my friends. Dad was very firm on this 1 hour though. I had to do it. Well, I did although begrudgingly. Boy, was I angry. Well, I realized that gave me an awareness of how to work on cars. Soon, I started fixing my bike. Then I had the courage to investigate things, analyze, pull things apart.
Through the years, whenever I was doing a project with my Dad, or, even after he was gone, the memory of that day came back to me. Dad and I always chuckled about it in the middle of working together, whatever in front of us pulled apart, wondering what to do next. We laughed thanking the heavens that we learned something from our last big Fix to help us on this one.
I told Dad many times how much I appreciated his wisdom. I told him how much I appreciated that he shared his skills with me. I remember how gentle he was in guiding me that day, and frankly, most days. He was a gentle man. And really, I learned it is easier to be gently that mean and aggressive.
I was really angry with Dad that day. But, in thinking it over, I realized that what he helped me gain was confidence. Eventually I became a mechanical Engineer, analyzing and fixing things every day. Helping doesn’t always come in neat packages.
Work
After I got my degree in Mechanical Engineering I worked in several places. IBM for 4 years. After that, Burrows Banking working on banking software and banking machines and I went to Coulter Corporation in Miami working on blood analyzing equipment. I remember after I was laid off from Coulter due to a merger, I went to visit several years later. The Manager took me to the machine shop and showed me a piece of equipment I had developed 20 years earlier. It generated compressed air and I was able to reduce the equipment to ½ the size of the old equipment and ½ the cost. After 20 years, they were still using the piece of equipment I had designed. That made me feel really good and I was proud of the work I had done.
Family
I have an older brother, Jack. We both grew up Lutheran and went to Sunday school until age 18. When Sunday school was over, and I was part of the adult congregation, I attended a few services. But the minister’s style was something along the lines of “fire and brimstone” and that was not me. I left a few months after my 18th birthday and never found another place until UUFBR. My brother stayed in the Lutheran Church and today holds very conservative Christian views. I don’t fully understand what kept him there. He is a smart guy, well educated, a physicist with a PHD and 6 patents. Yet, he is very conservative. I love my brother. I hate his politics.
Children
It was not that easy relating to 2 daughters as an adult male. We had some difficulties. I recall the time Megan, Ariel and I were in the car. I was driving and Megan’s choice and volume of music was not something I tolerated easily that day. I asked her several times to lower the volume. She didn’t. I warned her that I was going to put her out of the car. She didn’t take me seriously. So, about 1 mile from home, I stopped the car and asked her to get out. I know she was shocked, but I also knew the walk home was a safe one and would only be about 20 minutes. I chuckled about it. I don’t think she did. I wanted her to learn to respect other peoples’ differences. Helping doesn’t always come in neat packages.
Then there was a time when one of Ariel’s boyfriends convinced her that I was the root of all her issues. We argued. We did not speak often for a long time. I was sad because I could not understand why someone would think I was such a bad father. I love my daughters. I just could not understand the judgements. After my divorce from my wife, things were better and our communication improved a lot. It made me realize that you really need to be aware of other people and think about what they are saying. Not to investigate or interrogate, but to really understand. Then you can decide if you agree with them or not. You keep your integrity. They keep theirs and you find common ground. You really need to ponder things to get to that point. It isn’t always easy.
Today, my ability to hold discussions with Ariel or Megan, to talk together, hear each other and mutually agree to disagree makes me very happy. I like our time together. Scheduling time with Megan can be a bit challenging. But I enjoy her company and I always have a good time. I am happy with my girls. I love them. I made some mistakes as a parent but never intended to be malicious or hurtful. I always wanted to be helpful. Really, I learned it is just easier to be helpful.
I love my grandkids, too. I have good relationships with them. They are young. If there is one thing I want them to know is to be aware of other people, not just yourself. That is hard and it takes time to learn. It is not a skill that comes easily. You have to pay attention.
The Army
Accepting the DRAFT was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was already in my late 20s and had college behind me when my DRAFT number came up in 1969. I was 24, had a degree in chemistry from the community college and I was living in Buffalo. Most of my family was in Canada and it would be so easy for me to cross the border, avoid the military and a war I did not support. Start a new life there. I had left Canada when I was 8.
I agonized for a long time over this, had many sleepless nights. Should I go move to Canada, leave it all behind? I finally decided my friends and family in Buffalo meant too much to me. So, I followed orders and was on my way to basic training in Fort.Dix.
I remember how grateful I was that I lucked out of the Marines, simply because when we paired off into groups of 4, my number was not a 4! Sheer luck. Army it was. Since I had a college degree, I was made a Platoon Leader. That meant I did not have to put myself on the Duty Roster. I had never been in charge of anyone and I am not quick on subtleties. After several subtle attempts to tell me I don’t have to do the work the rest of the platoon is doing, the Drill Sargent had to pull me to the side and spell out to me that I just had to manage the list! Like I said, Subtleties elude me.
I always tried to be kind, try to understand people. I just can’t see the value in being mean. In the army as a platoon leader and one of the guys in my platoon was not really cut out for the military. He couldn’t run, couldn’t do the pushups, all around not fit. Besides being uncoordinated and not physically strong, he had an unusual name – Suhr. The Drill Sargent and other higher-ranking military had to address him as Private Suhr. They hated that. This private was always harassed, picked on and really treated poorly. Now, what is the value of hostility? It doesn’t change anything. I could never treat someone like that. I put the guy on KP ever opportunity I had. You need to have compassion and empathy for people. Well, I learned Life is easier when you do.
Advice
I see things slowly. I ponder things. I learned that you have to take time to think about what you hear and see. You have to pay attention to people. Listen to them. Eventually, you get to see what is really going on. Often, you might change your opinions based on what you come to realize after enough examination. That helps in getting along with everyone. Also in understanding yourself.
I don’t have many words of advice except that it is important to be aware of other people, not just yourself. This doesn’t mean investigating people. It means being fully present. It means paying attention, listening to people, hearing them, or trying to, at least. Think about what they say. Ponder.
Don’t let life pass you by being unaware. This is hard to do, though. You have to work at it. You can be easily deluded if you don’t pay attention, though. Time is wasted and life is harder. It is much easier to just be present.
UUFBR
I have been at the Fellowship since 1991. I had gone through my divorce and I was a bit lost. I did not attend any Church. I found UUFBR, though and I really found a home at the Fellowship. It was always there for me. I never left. I want UUFBR to be here for whoever needs it now and in the next 50 years.
I am not rich. No, that is not right. I am rich. I have a car, a house, put food on my table and have good friends and family. That makes me very rich. I look around at people who live on the streets, have no homes, live in tenement housing, have no food or are alone. I see it all around me in Palm Beach County and I realize how rich I am.
I have always been a saver. My dad or some smart person said to save 10% of whatever you earn. I did that and built some security. I planned to live until 95 or so but, Shit, I get cancer at 76. Well, the silver lining in all this is that now I can give back to the Fellowship. It is an odd shift.
I had some savings and the market was good. I had a financial planner and that helped too. I decided to I give $100K to the Fellowship and I hope that will keep the Fellowship around for awhile. Maybe other people can give too so this place stays around for a long, long while. Well, the Fellowship has always been there for me. I want the Fellowship to always be here for anyone who needs it. Religions are on a decline and that makes me sad. I hope more folks can find a home here.
I am used to helping others, doing a lot myself around here, and really anywhere I ever worked. Now, that I have cancer, I am on the receiving side and it feels odd. I am the receiver and not the giver. That is out of character for me.
I am awestruck at the number of people who have come out to help me. The people have been so kind, caring and supportive. It feels wonderful, absolutely wonderful yet, the shift is embarrassing too. I ask Harris, “How can something be both embarrassing and wonderful at the same time?” She tells me they are doing what I have done for everyone else for a long time.
It is odd being the receiver and not the Giver. But it feels wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
- I was asked if the outpouring of love and support from others could be a mirror reflecting my own values back to me. And, I suppose that is so. Yes, I think it is so.
With Love,
Doug